kids' page
If you are reading this, it may be that it is because your parents are about to start mediating or are already in the process.
The law states that when parents make decisions about arrangements affecting their children, wherever possible the wishes and feelings of their children should be taken into account. This does not mean that children should make the final decisions, or have to choose between their parents, but wherever possible new arrangements should be made to suit both children and parents. Even though parents no longer live together, they can still work together as parents and make joint decisions about what happens next. For the children of the family it helps greatly when parents can still talk to one another and make joint decisions without arguing.
Talking and Coping
Some parents can discuss with their children, but for many couples they are
glad that as mediators we are able to see their children to talk to them and
find out how they are coping with the inevitable changes that are taking place.
We see children from about six upwards – the oldest child we have seen
was twenty-one – but she still felt it helpful to come in and talk to
us! When we see children in mediation, we call it ‘child consultation’ because
we do not actually ‘mediate’ with children in the way that we do
with their parents. Before we see them their parents both have to sign an agreement
to give their permission, and in doing so they agree that they will not tell
their children what to say, nor will they ask them what they said when they
get home again. They also accept that the children will speak to us privately,
and that we will only report back to the parents whatever the children wish. We
will not reveal what was said – unless of course we were told something
that made us believe that a child was in some form of danger. In that case
we would need to tell someone else and get help in whatever way we felt was appropriate.
Children can be seen on their own, or with their brothers and sisters if they wish. Sometimes we see only one child from a family – other times we see all the children. Children can be seen together, or on their own, whichever they prefer. Appointments last from about twenty minutes to an hour, depending on how many children we see and how much they have to say. The longest we have spent in one session was two hours. This is unusual, but time is not restricted, and we will spend as long as we need with each child. Children can also come back for another session if they wish.
No Pressure
Before we set up the appointment we write to the children individually and invite them to make an appointment [or to ask their parent to make the appointment for them]. We try to see children with two mediators present because we find
that this works well for them and for us. No pressure is put on children to
say anything they do not wish to, and if they change their mind at the last minute
and decide to not speak to us, that is ok too! We simply want to explain some of the
changes that are likely to take place, see how we can help and sometimes to
say things to the parents that the children may find difficult to say to them face to
face.
If you have read this and think that coming in to speak to a mediator
would be helpful to you, please talk to your parents and show them this page.
We are more than willing to discuss this with your parents and would be happy to help
you all in making decisions for the future.